*Not a single actual Vegas oddsmaker was consulted in the making of this article. This is purely for entertainment value.
There are only two guarantees when it comes to Thanksgiving: It’s always on the fourth Thursday of November, and someone in the family’s gonna mess it all up. Those are just the facts. Other than that, it’s all just a crap shoot.
So who’s gonna be the one responsible for messing it all up this year? Well, here’s where the odds stand as of right now.
The Chef (Odds: 10-1)
Whether this year it’s all on grandma, your mother-in-law, or you, there’s a lot riding on the chef’s performance. Forget to thaw the bird and uh-oh, nobody’s eating till midnight. Oven too hot and the whole meal ends up being a dry choking hazard. That’s why it’s always important for the chef to have a few hands in the kitchen, including a solid sous chef to keep everything rolling.
The Sous Chef (Odds: 11-1)
Sometimes the Thanksgiving sous chef has been through the drill before, or sometimes they’re just an eager relative trying to play helpful. In either case, their role is instrumental in keeping the chef on track, well-supplied, and super-hydrated. If they forget to get butter, it’s going to be a hard task to find a place that’s open on Thanksgiving that sells butter. And for most Americans, no butter equals no Thanksgiving.
The Kids (Odds: 3-1)
Whether it’s your kids or your cousin’s, there’s a fair chance this year’s get-together is all gonna come crashing down on account of the kids. Running in and out of the kitchen, all hopped-up on deviled eggs and orange drink, something is bound to get broken or fall off the counter. And no timeout in the world can stop it.
The Flu (Odds: 2-1)
One of the worst things about Thanksgiving is that it falls right during cold and flu season. Your sister’s kids are rubbing their noses on every door knob and couch pillow they can find. It’s only a matter of time before all the food that just went in wants to come right back out. Do yourself a favor and require vaccination from everybody before they set foot through the door.
The Deep Fryer (Odds: 2-1)
If you’ve ever been to any state fair, you know everything tastes better when it’s been deep-fried. But deep fryers and turkey can also be a recipe for disaster when not handled properly. In fact, every year, deep-fryer fires are responsible for 5 deaths, 60 injuries, the destruction of 900 homes, and more than $15 million in property damage. If you’re going to do it, do it safely, but is it reaaaally worth it?
Your Football Team (Odds: 5-1)
For some, the highlight of Thanksgiving day could be one of the three big games on TV. But what if Uncle Bob’s precious Cowboys get slaughtered? How’s he gonna react when he’s hangry? This could be a disaster. Hopefully the Cowboys take the W and you don’t have to worry about it, but you may want to hide the breakables, just in case.
Your Daughter’s New Boyfriend (Odds: 9-2)
Who does this guy think he is, anyway? He shows up out of the blue with those cut-off sleeves and that cocky little smirk. Does he even know who you are? You’re a damn legend around these parts. He just better stick to his side of the room if he knows what’s good for him.
Your Vegan Niece (Odds: 5-4)
A lot can change in a year, and now all of a sudden your niece has changed her name to some kind of unpronounceable Asian fruit and she’s a vegan. Which is fine and all, but those looks she’s giving you as you stuff your face with turkey are really starting to wear on you. Just breathe, after the pie is served, it’ll all be over.
Uncle Larry after a Few Too Many (Odds: 4-1)
Whether the football game got a little out of hand or he’s just been trying hard to wash down all that dry turkey, it looks like Uncle Larry’s a little out of control. Hopefully he just stays in the ‘I love you guys’ phase. Maybe it’s time he switched to cranberry juice on the rocks.
Your Cousin, the Amateur Conspiracy Theorist (Odds: 3-2)
Tinfoil hat and all, looks like your cousin has crawled out from under his rock to tell you all about alien coverups and how microwaves were designed to steal your identity. Never a dull moment with ol’ Eddie around. Let’s just pray you can keep his mouth busy with pumpkin pie instead of scaring the kids with his crazy ideas.
Time to Place Your Bets
Go on, find your nearest bookie and throw down a few bets on who’s gonna ruin everything this year. Heck, win big and you’ve got those Christmas gifts all taken care of. Good luck, and keep your eye on Uncle Larry.
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